Trying to keep all of these thoughts together...
Patience.
I have no patience. Or at least that’s what I thought. Jason has a lot of patience. Or that’s what I used to think. Now I find that our patience very much compliments one another. When I am ready to lose it with a child, he seems to swoop in at just the right time to save me and said child. Likewise, there are some nights that I feel like he loses it way too quickly with one of the kids, but they have yet to try my patience, so I don’t mind taking over the discipline and giving him a break. Overall, though, I would say that Jason is a LOT more patient that I am. It’s something that’s always on the radar for me to continually improve. Right now I am very happy that we compliment each other. Poor Jason has had to listen to my “if I die” requests more than once. At first I thought that he was being nonchalant and generally uncaring about the situation. Then I realized that he just doesn’t want to face that I may die. I look at it as just another “what if” scenario, but he has to look at it from the survivor standpoint – the one that has to pick up the pieces and move on. Over the weekend my dying request involved making sure that the first son knew and remembered that I read him my favorite childhood book and that he enjoyed it as much as me. Jason responded with “I’m not going to need to tell him” followed by a long pause and “but if I do need to then I will”. I am very lucky. I know to outsiders our relationship sounds unromantic and sometimes just strange. I love it, though, because it’s US. Just tonight, after I thought about this blog post for a while, I was hugging him and thinking about how much I love him. As I was about to tell him, he looked at me and said, “please remind me to pick up Drain-O”. See? I am very, very lucky. Joking aside (although that is a true story), I am so happy that Jason is so patient with me and I am very blessed to have him be the ying to my yang is so many situations.
Looking back you realize that a very special person passed briefly through your life and that person was you. It's not too late to become that person again. - Unknown
Obsessions. I have a very obsessive personality. I didn’t realize it so much until a friend pointed it out about herself and when she was explaining it to me I thought that she was talking about me. I think that it drives Jason a little crazy because this is something that he definitely can’t relate with. He’s a loyal guy and being obsessive may sound like loyalty, but it’s so not. Give me three days to do research and learn everything possible and then I’m on to something else. I can’t stand being stagnant yet I always have to have a passion. I mean, look at my obsession with BRCA blogs when I scheduled my surgery. The only thing that has stayed a true passion throughout is dancing. It’s been a part of my life since I was five and although it hasn’t been constant, it has always been on my mind. After moving to Ohio, we couldn’t really find a local studio that was even comparable to our studio in PA, so my sister and I chose another option – cheerleading. Cheering was great, but I craved the physical activity in college and I wasn’t about to cheer there. I was always more of a dancer anyway. Jamie told me that she had been dancing to fulfill some electives and I was intrigued. I started doing the same and an awesome instructor, Julie, took me under her wing and urged me to audition for the program. I decided to go for it as a minor and after my first audition, was accepted into the program. It got pretty intense from there, with just the core classes lasting at least two hours per day. I loved it. It got to the point that I had no questions about my capabilities and I was strong. I could balance, spin – just dance. Of all of the things in my life that I’ve outgrown and moved past, that is the one that I wish that I had never given up. I yearn for an adult class, but this small town is not accommodating. I stayed in shape and worked out for quite a while, but my career, education, marriage, and two children quickly demanded my time. Now I watch tons of television shows featuring dance and I feel a little empty. I want that part of me back so badly. That confidence and assurance of my body and myself. That was a time that I didn’t look at my body as a ticking time bomb, but something to be proud of and something that I knew – that I was sure of. Now I feel as if it’s betrayed me. That it’s unpredictable and weak. The Future. I’ve mentioned in past entries that I really haven’t planned my life after the surgery. Well, that’s not completely true. One thing has been planned long before I even scheduled the surgery date – Jamie and I are going to take a trip to celebrate. Jason isn’t much of a traveler and Jamie and I rock traveling together, so she graciously offered me the trip of our dreams after I’ve recovered from surgery. We are looking at going to wine country in California a year from now. I can’t tell you how excited I am for this trip. I am so happy to have something fun and out of my ordinary to look forward to. I started thinking about some luxuries before and after the surgery. I noticed that a lot of women get professional pictures of the natural breasts. I am very torn on this idea. On one hand, I have an amazing photographer that would embrace this experience and make my look so beautiful that I hate to pass it up. One the other hand, I don’t really care for my breasts or my body right now. I really doubt that those pictures would mean that much to me. Another woman bought herself all new very sexy bras and matching undies after all of her surgeries. Now, I love this idea – no more maternity undies and some lacy bras to make you feel sexy. I think that I will definitely copy that idea. Lots of women treat themselves to a spa day right before surgery. Heck, yes! Any excuse for a spa day (especially if a massage is included)! This is when I started questioning myself…how many “treats” do I need? Yes, I am undergoing a major surgery, BUT plenty of people do this on a daily basis with no warning and no opportunity for pampering beforehand. A very close friend just underwent a kidney and pancreas transplant and his only reward was a better life. Now, he pointed out how awful he felt before and how wonderful after (which is not relative in my situation), but regardless, isn’t my goal a better life?? Why do I need to treat myself for doing what’s best for me? But, wait, MASSAGE!! Jason and I have been planning a wardrobe revamp for over a year now and have been putting it off until my stomach becomes my new boobs and clothes fit my properly again. Should this be enough of a “reward”? I mean, that and of course my trip with Jamie? Let’s face it, I am undergoing this surgery regardless of the massages, or pretty underwear, or awesome photos. Where do I draw the line? What’s reward enough? I genuinely want your opinion.
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